Wow! You really are a brilliant poet, aren't you?

Why don't you join the poetry contest from [link] ?


It's free and every nitwit such as myself who enters gets a small gift

but someone like you might win one of their $10 000 or $100 000 prizes.

See my comment on your account...

Mr. Mrs. or Ms. pirate-soul,
I advise that you also carefully reread my comment with an open mind. I do apologise still; I tried to keep my opinion to a minimum, and give more priority to the rythmn and rhyme lesson. I also never claimed to be a 'pro poetry prodigy' myself, so I don't expect anyone to have to compare themselves with that level. However, I'd honestly be gratified if the readers of the incident comment whole-heartedly took the oppertunity presented to learn, and thus, find themselves one step closer to that level, - especially when they seem to enjoy writing poetry so much. Do you disagree? If not, please take back your rude comments about me. If yes, please continue this on my page, I'm sure this person doesn't want (in my opinon) a pointless debate when he'd rather stay focused.

Again, I stress, my comment was simply requested critisicm, he did, in fact, ask for it. If it was a little harsh, it's something to learn from. That is all.

P.s. ~thiefofcolours is a 'bloody pro poetry prodigy'. So sue me.

--
yo guys, help me pwn this foo! ~ [link] ~

~Ima Mo Aishiteru Wasurenai Kara~

Stop being anal, you wanker, Final Preacher. Who cares what you think? Just coz not everybody is a bloody pro poetry prodigy.

nice gllery, man... BTW I think i accidentally replied to your comment to me before... THAT "mwuah" was intended for someone else... hahaha...

--
I took the road less traveled by...
and ended up as DINNER for a pack of famished wolves!!!!!!!! ^_^'

Hey cool stuff, your australian and my age too, awesome .
----
Dodge duck and dive ill be fine

btw... that doesnt mean i dont agree with ur comments. lol

--
Draven,
*dravendesignnet | "Dark Tomorrow" (Novel) | "Dark Tomorrow" Final Concept Art

wow..... for what the fuck ever reason this previous comment shoed up on MY message list...


lol.. to the dude who wrote it... goddamn people like u kill art.

what ever happned to like... real feeling? natural? ne ways rawk on ladies and gents!

--
Draven,
*dravendesignnet | "Dark Tomorrow" (Novel) | "Dark Tomorrow" Final Concept Art

Hello, you know what? I came here on your effective use of that obnoxius phrase and my first reaction was quite literally "What the heck is this?" a lot of people seem to be saying nice work, nice stuff, etc, but I beg to differ. Out of curiosity, how old are you? It says your 18, thats good, lets move on from the elementary poetry then. I would say its sweet and all, but the strangulated usage of rhyme chokes whatever praise I had for your heartfelt message. Now, because I did intend to atually give you an honest critique and also some advice on your work (I was taking some time to ponder on how I would actually do this, sorry if you were looking for an instant reaction +fave/+watch from me, show me some work put into your pieces), I do intend to lend that much to you.

In my honest opinion, I don't even think you have mastered the use of Rythmn and Rhyme in your poetry, despite your excessive use of it. Consider this:

Cause with me, you’ll never have to think, “Do I really love you;”
Or will I always be there to help you through.

Can you count the sylables in those two lines from JADES POEM?
The first line has 13, and the next has 11; "you" and "through" do rhyme well, but here is the hitch:
The sylable difference makes it sound so horridly forced, its like Celine Dion trying to Rap, do you know who Celine Dion is? Well, nevermind, that wouldn't help you, but even rappers stick to a symple sylable count, hence the reason you can notice the vocalist keeping beat during their verses. Even if this isn't a lyric, imagine trying to say this to your Jade, or imagine her reading this in her head. Your words would come out quite stressed and then all the conveyed feelings are gone with that kind of work. Also, another technique when using ryhme, you don't have to resort to the last sylable to end it, often times, you can use words whose middle sylables also rhyme. In addition to that, you don't always have to ryhme the very next line! I suggest you look at the writing styles of reknowned poets, rhyme isn't everything, so use it sparingly, and most of all, wisely. Study ryhme scheme, use letters to represent the ryhme and plot it, here is an example:

Jade, I think your beautiful, friendly and kind, a
Plus so much more, which is why your such a great find. a
I care about you more than you wished someone would, b
And I’m pretty sure more than anyone could. b

This demonstrates the most basic of all ryhme schemes, try to mix it up, some suggestions can be abab, abcb, aaba, etc. If you look about it deep enough, you'll find that there are some pieces out there where the ryhme scheme helps to structure a sort of narrative into the poem, yes, a story can be told (even if it a little one) quite well using only ten sylables a line for 14 lines. This is called a Sonnet, using Iambic Pentametre and it has a ryhme scheme that follows this set pattern: abab cdcd efef gg. Note how the last two lines are a ryming couplet? In shakesphere's plays, the last lines of every scene was a sonnet, using the ryhming couplet to signify the end of the scene for curtain drawers to tell by ear, when the curtains were required to be drawn. There are more rules to it, but that was simply an example of how fixed to a design classical poetry already is. -Which is what i suggest you use to impress a girl.

I'll admit, there are many kinds of poetry, but yours doesn't follow any of them, not clsoe enough to argue thats how it was supposed to be, it looks like plain loose ryhming, which is still no excuse. I'll admit, if you say that you wanted it to come out that way, its your thing, I'm only giving the most constructive crit I can. I hope you'll learn from this little lesson I was able to offer.

--
~Ima Mo Aishiteru Wasurenai Kara~

thanks for the comments...

--
They say 'look into the future.' But I always realized, the past made me what I am.

Dazzling bursts of rain, I fall and falter, watching the light scatter stunningly around me; I am alive.

ayy whatever

--
Draven,
.:. En Route To Creation .:.

"and every time i see this..
i just bend a knee
every time i feel this
i just clench my fist and churn inside
every time i think about you
i just lose control"

*dravendesignnet

simply commenting on someone elses page is advertisement alone

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not 2 menshun u r gay

wow dude, i usually dont have the extra time needed to visit others galleries, but today that was different, just letting you know i viewed it man!!!!

--
not 2 menshun u r gay

You have some good poems here... I look forward to seeing some more from you... maybe some that dont rhyme in future?

Keep going!

Laura xx

--
Please God... give me detention with Professor Snape... ^.^ *rickmaniacs

Woah.... are all your poems are romantic poems? Do you have any poems about other things, like human nature or something? But anyway, you have great poems.... I love the rhythm and rhyme... I'll put u on me watch list Gambatte yo! (encouragement in japanese)

wait wait wait, what the fuck. is that all you do? im looking at a few of the peoples pages here who has commented here and i look at their poems and find the one you commenbted on and they ALL seem to like... say something short and like... good... like

HEY AWSOME or somthing like that, all followd by a,check out my most recent work if you have time

all of them say that? do you like just bullshit everyone and seem nice to get more like people to your page? i hope to god u dont really do that, just on me and the few people i saw... damn man....

and no one else thinks thats a bit... self centered.... rude... concideted.... um BAD??

sorry if IM wrong... goddamn.....

--
Draven,
.:. En Route To Creation .:.

"and every time i see this..
i just bend a knee
every time i feel this
i just clench my fist and churn inside
every time i think about you
i just lose control"

*dravendesignnet

yes nice work dude, next time PLEASE dont like.. fuckin advertsie your self - makes you seem soooo concited. but yeah nice writing. lucky jade dude.

--
Draven,
.:. En Route To Creation .:.

"and every time i see this..
i just bend a knee
every time i feel this
i just clench my fist and churn inside
every time i think about you
i just lose control"

*dravendesignnet

thank you for the comment on my poem, Ilike your work as well, sorry for not having the time to comment individually.

--
Is the only purpose in life found in the distruction of something beautiful?

Thanks for your comment on my poem

hey, thanks for the comment on MorningAfter. i checked out your gallery and...+watch. :]

--
(disregard the past few days.)

You\'ve got some good poetry here dude.

Well ive only been writing for a few months really.

Nice poetry dude

--
There are no days in life so memorable as those which vibrated to some stroke of the imagination.

Check out my stuff: [link]

Good stuff. I'll finish going through your gallery later.

Hey dude, some nice work here. Some of the best work is in the simplist form (eg, some of Edgar Allan Poe's work). I'll be keeping an eye on you. I'm curious though, how long have you been writting for?

--
I'll paint this heart shaped armour across my chest again.